“My name is Carson. I am twenty-seven years old. And at the end of 2021, I lost both of my parents.” 

In September 2021, Carson’s mom, Susan, was rushed to the hospital for emergency surgery related to back pain, which was discovered to be caused by a spinal tumor—just one of many throughout her body. She was diagnosed with Cancer of an Unknown Primary and despite chemotherapy treatments, her health rapidly declined.

Nine days after Susan’s spinal surgery, Carson’s dad, Jeffrey, fell in the garage and hit his head. Earlier that year, he had been diagnosed with Progressive Dementia—a condition that caused frequent falls and accidents. He was kept at the ER for observation where he became unresponsive. Tragically, he passed away on September 26, 2021. Hardly a month later, on October 30, 2021, Susan passed away, surrounded by those she loved most. 

“I am a complete and total wreck, and don’t know how to move forward without them in my life,” shared Carson in the aftermath of losing both of her parents. Since posting her vulnerable first TikTok video, her account has gone from zero to 160,000 followers. 

When asked what spurred her to share about her grief journey online, Carson recalled feeling so alone in her grief after spending the previous two months packing up her parents’ Jacksonville, Florida home. “It felt like everyone I knew was continuing with their normal lives. My fiancé (then boyfriend) had returned to work and for me to go out and find a new job didn’t feel right at the time,” she explained. “I had a therapist who was good, but therapy isn’t cheap, so I only saw her once a week. I just needed acknowledgement, I guess, that this was horrific. Like, did it even happen?” 

The post gained traction. And as Carson continued to share about her grief journey—through exploring therapy and topics like all of the stupid sh*t people said when my parents died—her raw, authentic approach created a safe space for others to pour their own emotions into the comments. TikTok became an outlet for Carson’s grief, and yet, there was something even more therapeutic about it that she hadn’t even anticipated: connection and a career in mental health. 

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The Dead Parents Club 

 Before she was even thirty years old, Carson was inaugurated into a club no one wants to be part of: the dead parents club. 

Losing a parent at any age is incredibly painful, and yet for most of us, it is an inevitability of life. As we age, the more likely we are to have lost one or both parents. Data from the 2021 U.S. Census reports that 4.3 % of children ages 0-17 have lost at least one parent compared to 11.5% of people ages 18-29 and 23% of people ages 30-39. 

Carson’s grief, however, was compounded by the fact that she lost two parents in such a short span of time. This is sometimes referred to as double parental loss, the after-effects of which can manifest in myriad ways such as leading a person to question their identity, fearing for their own mortality, and other grief--related responses. In Carson’s case, she found herself suffering from depression, post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), and health anxiety. 

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After-effects of Losing Parents

It’s universal knowledge that grief is a complicated emotion, probably because it’s a mosaic of many emotions that looks different for every individual and every instance. It’s ever-evolving, too. There is no through line. There are, however, a handful of emotions that are often (but not always) present after losing a loved one to include: 

  • Numbness
  • Shock 
  • Anger or frustration
  • Confusion or disbelief 
  • Hopelessness or despair 
  • Guilt 
  • Relief 
  • Guilt over feeling relieved (that they’re no longer suffering) 
  • Depression 
  • Loneliness

Sometimes, these internal feelings can transform into physical symptoms. “I remember thinking, ‘I’m going to go to the doctor for everything, because my mom didn’t,’” said Carson, reflecting on the beginning of her health anxiety. 

Also known as illness anxiety disorder or hypochondriasis, health anxiety is when a person excessively worries that they are or may become seriously ill. They may not exhibit any physical symptoms, or may simply believe that normal body sensations or minor symptoms are signs of severe illness. 

Carson went on to share about an experience that was the catalyst to her seeking professional help for health anxiety. “My fiancé and I traveled for about a year after everything happened; we lived in New Zealand in a van, searching for the meaning of life or whatever. We didn’t find it, but it was fun. Until I started having stomach issues. I’d convinced myself that it was something really serious to the point that I was not only sobbing, but I paid for an unnecessary procedure—totally out of my network—just so I could alleviate my anxiety. I know it wasn’t grief, specifically, but my health anxiety was a result of what I experienced with my parents; my mental health took a huge hit for a long time.” 

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Acknowledging your grief

Grief is as complicated as it is isolating. For this reason, amidst a cocktail of emotions is loneliness. Bereaved individuals experience loneliness not only because their loved ones leave a void that no one else can fill, but also because people tend to keep their distance. 

As much as it is a universal experience, grief is also extremely unique and individual. “Even if people understand grief, no one understands your grief, your relationship with that person, or how you feel,” shared Carson. “That being said, a little acknowledgement goes a long way. I think the biggest mistake people make is when they don’t reach out. Let’s say you have a friend and you just assume they don’t want to hear from you. Any show of support, any acknowledgement of your pain, it means so much when you’re going through that. Grief is so isolating.”

In the aftermath of losing her parents, Carson has learned a multitude of coping skills to help her get through difficult times. Through the mindful practice of yoga and writing letters, she is able to deal with her emotions in a productive and healthy way. 

“I don’t write letters every day,” she stated, “but I try to hit the big ones—Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, my parents’ birthdays, their death anniversaries. I just sit down and I write to them about what’s going on in my life. I always end up sobbing. It sucks and I really have to hype myself up to do it, but afterwards, I feel better.” 

Carson has read a few of her letters on social media, like the one above; however, for the most part, she puts them away and doesn’t look at them again. She explained that, for her, writing letters is an outlet for her emotions and a way to acknowledge her grief. “If you don't sit down and actively meet it and acknowledge it, then it's gonna come out at an inconvenient time and location.”

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TikTok: A safe space for grief

Since losing her parents suddenly, Carson has not only found community on social media, she’s also created one. 

“That’s what’s so interesting about TikTok,” said Carson. “I’m not saying social media is the answer for everything; it isn’t. But it’s very connecting, and as I think about all the things I learned from posting, there’s value there. The biggest thing for me was getting validation that what I was feeling was normal.” 

Upon reflecting on her cumulative learnings from social media alone, Carson shared that she learned that she was suffering from PTSD. “I made a TikTok saying, ‘How come I’m sitting in my car and I randomly get a flashback of my mom in the hospital and I can’t breathe?’ Someone commented, ‘Oh, that’s a flashback. That’s PTSD. I was like, ‘What? That’s crazy.’ I thought that only soldiers suffered from PTSD.”  

On her platform, Carson posts quick, candid videos about how she’s feeling, so other people can relate. She also offers important resources, insight, and advice based on her firsthand experience, which has led her on the path of a new and deeply meaningful career: mental health. 

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Moving forward as a mental health counselor

“We get one life, and you can’t take your money with you,” said Carson, a prelude to how she is redirecting her life from industrial engineering to start graduate school for becoming a mental health counselor. She credits her time spent with two therapists she saw for inspiring her on this career path. 

“One of the therapists I saw was actually my mom’s therapist,” she shared. “She was amazing with me while I was in Florida, packing up my parents’ life. And the second one I saw, I trusted her because she had lost both of her parents and her brother when she was in her twenties, and that shared experience really meant a lot to me.” 

Carson went on to explain that she started to wonder if perhaps her shared experience could help someone else. “They helped me realize that I really could redirect my life if I wanted to. It’s not too late.” 

While she has a long road ahead of her, Carson is hopeful and excited for what the future holds, and already has plans for her practice. In addition to offering support for grief and PTSD, she would love to offer mental health support to people with terminal illnesses, a revelation inspired by her mom. “She was trying to take care of all of us while learning that she was dying. There was no one there to say, ‘Hey, how are you feeling?’”

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Finding gratitude through grief

Beyond her grief, the connections Caron has found on TikTok have given her a fresh perspective on not just her life after the deaths of her parents, but the life she had with them as well. She shared: “A lot of comments I get are people saying, ‘This is beautiful, I never had this relationship with my parents,’ and it really puts things into perspective for me. Not that my time with them deserved to be cut short or anything like that, but I’m able to appreciate the relationship we had, the love and support.”

As a special tribute to her dad, Carson plans to get a tattoo of the last flower he ever sent her: an Angel Wing Begonia. “My dad was retired for a lot of my life,” she said. “He loved gardening; that became his work. He’d literally wake up and get dressed in his gardening clothes, like he was going to work! It was his safe space, the plants. Whenever I’d come home, he’d give me a tour of his garden.”  

Because her dad had many physical ailments toward the end of his life, Carson’s mom was his caretaker. For that reason, some of her best memories with her mom are simply staying up until 2 A.M. talking. “My mom was my absolute best friend. We talked literally every single day. I told her that she was one of those people who was meant to be a mom. She cared so much about me and my brother.” As a meaningful and beautiful tribute to her mom, Carson turned her ashes into a diamond so she can wear her close to her heart. “I was actually able to chat with my mom about this before she died.” she stated, “and she loved the idea. I wasn’t sure if I was going to want to wear it or if it would just be something I kept, but honestly, I haven’t taken it off since I got it. It is so comforting to me and it makes me feel so much closer to her.” 

For anyone mourning the loss of a loved one, whether the loss is recent or years have passed, Carson wants people to know that grieving is a lifelong process. “Personally, I will always be sad that my parents are gone,” she said. “And that is okay. It is okay to tell your friends that you won’t ever ‘move on’ from it, and that you won’t ever not be sad. The goal is to learn how to be happy with that sadness. And if you ever need to talk about grief, my DMs are always open.” 

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